If this post sucks, it’s Google’s fault

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I meant to write this blog post yesterday. Really, I did.

But I got sidetracked.

Writing, you see, is an intensive, sometimes soul-sucking process that requires focus, determination and, often, gallons of coffee.

(Or wine. Depending on the kind of writing you’re doing. And if you have a devil-may-care approach to things like typos. And consciousness)

Some days, the words flow like a fine merlot, rich and aromatic. And, yes, words can too be aromatic. “Wine” is a word and “word” is a word. It’s like in math where, if two things are equal, they’re the same. Go look it up.*

Which brings me to my point. Google has devised an evil plan to suck all of society’s energy into a black hole that’s linked to its search bar.

It starts harmlessly enough. You start by looking up how to bake a cheesecake and end up searching for “twerking”.

Seriously! It was the most Googled term of 2013. Really, people. What’s to become of us? I fully believe that, when some alien race finds the smoking ruins of our planet in a few million years, they’ll be able to trace its demise to YouTube videos of “What the Fox Said” and a total lack of attention to the meteor that was headed our way.

So, it’s not surprising that, when I’m casting about for writing inspiration, the siren call of the search bar instead lures me down the following road:

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “Writing’s hard. Wouldn’t you rather watch ‘House of Cards’?”

Responsible, Focused Mind: “We’ll watch it after writing our blog.”

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “But Netflix just released all the episodes. We’ve waited soooo long. We could binge on it and M&Ms. And maybe some salt and vinegar chips.”

Responsible, Focused Mind: “Salt and vinegar chips sound good. But, no! We need to buckle down and get it done.”

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “Hey, what movie did Kevin Spacey win the Oscar for?”

Responsible, Focused Mind: “I don’t remember.”

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “Let’s look it up.”

Responsible, Focused Mind: “Fine! It was ‘American Beauty’. Happy now?”

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “Look, it says he named his dog ‘Boston’? Doesn’t Matt Damon come from there?”

Responsible, Focused Mind: “Um, I think so.”

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “Wouldn’t it be nice to visit Boston. Let’s check out flights.”

Responsible, Focused Mind: “We have to write and then start dinner.”

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “Boston cream pie sounds good right now.”

Responsible, Focused Mind: “I’ll look up the recipe and go to the store.”

Lazy, Distracted Mind: “Don’t forget the M&Ms.”

And that, people, is why I’ll never win the Nobel prize for literature.

Thanks for nothing, Google.

*Did you look it up? If you did, you know that I was referring to Euclid’s Elements, Book 1, Common Notions #1 “Things which equal the same thing also equal one another.” Of course, I believe Euclid was talking about numbers, not adjectives, but whatever. Don’t you feel smarter now?

What was the last thing you looked up on Google? (And, for God’s sake, use some decorum people. Some of us may be eating dinner (or salt and vinegar chips) while reading and don’t want our appetites ruined.)

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